Esther's Need for Attention

I have also struggled with sympathizing with Esther throughout the book. Esther’s character is extremely complex. Her fascination with dying has been a major issue throughout the book. I think it’s interesting that while Esther is fascinated with different ways to kill herself, she never actually thinks about being dead. She mentions once, I think maybe after she meets Dr. Nolan but I couldn’t find it, that she believes that whatever anyone believes happens after death to that person. She seems to just write off the idea of actually being dead in favor of how she would do it. I don’t think Esther actually wants to die (just like it’s believed Sylvia Plath didn’t actually want to die), but rather wants attention. Throughout the novel Esther craves attention by awards and her academic achievements. I think the reason why Esther seeks so much attention is because she doesn’t really have anyone to be herself with. She rarely actually speaks her mind to the other characters in the book, so her fascination with killing herself seems like a way to cover up her loneliness. She even pushes away characters like her mother and Doreen. Esther is basically sabotaging herself so she ends up alone although she desperate seeks attention.
Even when Esther is in the psychiatric ward she wants the nurse’s attention. She even obsesses over being able to convince Miss Norris to speak so as to get attention and privileges. To me Esther seems to be like a small child acting out for attention. There’s a moment where Esther deliberately kicks a tray off her bed just to make the nurse angry. To me that is just like a small child trying to frustrate their mother just to get attention. That’s why I am still torn over sympathizing with Esther or not. Her actions can be explained because of her desperate need for attention but on the other hand Esther has pushed away anyone willing to give it to her and so she has had to resort to drastic measures to get attention at all.